Befriending Emotional Pain

 in 3-Steps 

 

 By Lori MacKinder, M.A.                2008

 

 

 

 Balanced Life Magazine

 

***  Click on this link to experience and participate in the free Emotional Pain MP3 Down loadable Meditation

 

Is your relationship ending?    Are you hoping it will end?   

Do you fear it will end?   

Do you feel you need to make a relationship change?

 

   At the root cause of most relationship endings or relationship disharmony is human Emotional Pain. It is not that the pain itself causes the end or causes the disharmony, but instead, how you are with the pain: your pain and other’s pain, which causes breakdown. 

    There is something unique about emotional pain.  It seems to be the one emotion that we cover over most with other emotions such as anger or self-righteousness and the one emotion that we run from / hide from the most.  Yet, emotional pain can be an amazing doorway into deep intimacy, connection, true Love and loyalty.  Somehow most of us are programmed very young to avoid pain, (as our parents were and their parents were) and not accept the invitation, when it presents itself, to move deeper into connection with self and with others.  This programming occurs in our subconscious and can be difficult to change without the proper tools.

 

It is a three pronged approach to being with pain fully.  These three prongs included:

Responsibility – How do I respond to pain?

Accountability – How am I accounting for my response to pain?

Keeping Presence – Learning to open to pain and staying present with pain moment by moment.

 

Responsibility

    Responsibility is really about how you respond.  In this case, it is how you act in response to emotional pain.  The goal here is to respond to pain with honesty, loving acceptance, and soft openness.  The ideal is that you work at being with pain instead of directing pain.  You work towards responding to pain with grounded openness and full acceptance.

Many times, the unconscious reactor in you might defend against the pain before you even recognize that you are in pain.  This ability to respond to pain in a mature adult and “responsible” way will come with time and practice (or this change can also be more immediate with the tools that re-write subconscious programming such as those of PSYCH-K).  One way to create a change in your response to pain is to write out and imagine vividly yourself saying and being the exact way you would like to be when you encounter pain.  Meditate on this accomplished vision of yourself.  Imagine it were true in this moment as often as you can and as detailed as you can. This helps re-train the subconscious to do what you desire.

 

Accountability

   Being accountable for pain is the next step.  This means to account for it or to report about it.  In other words, really looking closely at how you are with your own pain or the pain of others.  This is a form of ruthless inquiry into self that is free of blame and criticism that brings awareness.  There is no punishment involved or inherent in this step.  It is simply an objective looking at and becoming aware of what actually goes on with you and pain. It is also helpful to stay accountable with your loved ones, letting them know that you may be ungrounded and off center when pain is present... requesting compassion and empathy.  

To support your new way of being with pain, add an accounting step to the meditation above as a second step.

 

Keeping Presence

Pain is soothed so quickly with simple, open, Presence.  The key here is to completely drop defenses and make sure that you interpret pain as simply pain, no matter how it is being expressed: rockets, bombs or other forms of aggression or destructive devises.  Listen deeply for fears of feeling pain or avoiding pain.  Remember, pain is a doorway to intimacy with self and with others. Repeated Love in the face of challenge equals Loyalty.  Check in with yourself about your ability to be loyal to yourself and to your process around moving deeply with pain.  Create meditations that have you imagining you fully open and accepting of pain and in full presence with pain. Remember to breath! Emotional pain can cause restricted breathing.  When it does, take a few deep breaths and relax into the experience of emotional pain.  It can be a true teacher when we are present with it.

Blessings on your journey into pain…  It is a wild and wonderful ride!

 

“You will find there are fleeting moments in our experiences with others when they appear suffused and illumined by the archetype of their own spirit. And then other periods come, perhaps quite long ones, during which their beings are as if clouded over. You can learn to say at such times: The spirit makes me strong. I think of my friend's archetype, which I once glimpsed. No deception, no outer appearance can ever tear this picture from me. Struggle ceaselessly to keep this vision. The struggle itself is loyalty. In the effort to be loyal in this sense, man comes close to his fellowman with the strength and in the attitude of a Guardian Angel." – Dr. Rudolf Steiner

 

  

 

         

Finding Forgiveness...

when it feels like you can't! 

 

 

 By Lori MacKinder, M.A.                   2009


  

What if forgiveness is not really in our immediate control?  What do you do when you say the words, “I forgive you” but the feeling inside does not match the words? 

You want to forgive. You know you should forgive, but inside you know that you really have not forgiven. 

What if you are not able to forgive and let go?

 Forgiveness

It begins with a perceived wrong.  You are upset, hurt, maybe resentful or angry.  You know the “right” thing to do is to forgive, but you are not feeling it.  You know that Love is the answer to everything, but you're just not finding it.  You want to want to forgive, to let go, to find yourself in Love again and move on, but something is preventing that from happening.  Or instead, maybe you are able to find the words to say, “I forgive you”, but then your negative feelings about the perceived wrong keeps coming back, the memory of the event keeps popping in your thoughts.  You hear the hurtful dialogue over and over again in your head.  Sometimes you even find yourself responding to the inner dialogue or inner struggle and commenting back!

Most people choose to push down or avoid the re-occurrences of these types of thoughts or feelings with various avoidance techniques:  junk food, drinks, media, overworking, sex, blame, etc.  It can be challenging to find the courage and self-love needed to look continually deeper and deeper underneath what is happening to find the Truth of a situation.

Have you ever wondered why you can't just FORGIVE and be done with it all?  Why can't you just say the magical words, “I forgive you” and have it all feel better inside instantaneously?  Wouldn't it be wonderful to be this type of forgiveness wizard?

Let us begin by looking closer at the word forgiveness. Merriam-Webster online dictionary at  www.merriam-webster.com has the definition of  forgive as: "to give up resentment of or claim to requital for and to cease to feel resentment against".

The first key to unlocking forgiveness is contained in the definition itself;  Resentment.  Resentment is a feeling.  Specifically, it is a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury.  Feelings generally are very difficult to control and change quickly in a moment’s decision.  A change in a feeling generally requires a process over time, versus a quick moment.  Therefore, forgiveness is a process also as it involves feelings.  It can be a sure path to suffering to expect instant forgiveness and then not be able to deliver it in the moment.

The goal is then to move from resentment (or blame) back into Love, or, have Love overtake the resentment.  When the desire to forgive is present, saying the words, "I forgive you", or "I forgive me", is a great beginning point.  It can be the intention set for yourself right now.  Even if it does not feel like the full truth in this moment.  It is the intended outcome and thus the beginning point or goal.  Make this declaration in first person, present tense.  Declare this out loud, as if it were true for you now.

The next step in the process of forgiveness is the investigation.  As the goal is to not only say the words but also to be emotionally aligned with the words, a shift has to occur inwardly.  In other words, begin looking closely at those reoccurring thoughts and feelings where the perceived wrong happened.  When there is more for you to learn or integrate, your mind has a way of not allowing you off the hook. The repeating of the event over and over again in your mind's eye is a way of telling you to “look here again, there is something left behind or more to learn.” 

Mark Twain said, “Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”  What is the fragrance that is left with you about the perceived wrong? 

One very helpful method to get closer to your fragrance is to lie down in a comfortable place and get into a mind balancing body position called the “Whole Brain Posture”.  This is an ancient yogic pose also called, "Hook-ups", that promotes balance in mind, body and spirit.  The method is to cross your straight legs at your ankles and your arms at your wrists with palms facing each other and fingers interlaced.  Be comfortable and relax the arms and legs in this position with the hands in your lap or tucked up into your chest.  Now purposefully and with focused attention, close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, intend to realign with Love, restate your goal, (I forgive you), and bring to mind again the situation that has been repeating itself to you: the perceived wrong.  Be courageous in looking at the details of the event and in feeling every emotion that comes forward.  Stay with it!  Make this the most important thing you are doing right now.

 Forgiven

Mahatma Gandhi is quoted as saying, “The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”  Be strong in this rewind meditation and delve deeply into the situation, uncovering all that you did not see before.  Allow the event to flood you with words, ideas, sensations, emotions, thoughts, and more.  Stay with it as long there is an emotional charge in any form.  Simply watch it all on the screen of your mind, as a fully attentive witness. 

Notice the event just as it was.  There is no need to change it in this moment, only to witness it.  Forgiveness can been seen as giving up the possibility or need of a better past. Notice that you cannot change the event in this moment.  What is available is Love and Acceptance of this perceived wrong.  See if you can move closer to, or, into these two amazing ways of being in this new moment.

When this quiet meditative state is held until a calming effect is felt (this can be anywhere from 5 seconds to 90 minutes), a missing peace will likely come to you.  It may be a piece of you that you left behind in that original situation (some call this soul retrieval), or a way of seeing the event that did not occur to you before (an expanded state of consciousness or Love), or perhaps something else.  A shift is generally guaranteed if you stay with it in patience, bravery and curiosity while holding your intention to forgive.

To forgive with your whole self means that your whole self must be present in the act of forgiving!  This is a very important point.  If you have a traumatic or dramatic event happen in your life, it may be so overwhelming that you abandon yourself during the event.  If you abandon yourself in a traumatic or dramatic situation… later when you would like to forgive, you are no longer whole enough to be able to wholly forgive.  You are not present in the forgiving, and therefore the forgiving cannot happen.

You have to be “present” to forgive.  You really have to be there fully in the moment and offer yourself to yourself when forgiving.  The act of forgiving must begin with forgiving self.  If you are only partially present, the forgiveness cannot and will not take place.  The issue will come back again to haunt you at some future point.

If you are present with your whole self in each moment, the need to forgive will be eliminated.  Instead of feeling resentment initially, you will begin to feel understanding.   When you abandon yourself due to hurt or anger in a given situation, forgiveness is then needed.  Healing and forgiveness generally comes when you bring your whole self back to the original situation with the intention of Love. 

Be tender with yourself and patient.  Forgiveness will come in the process of being present with yourself and the perceived wrong.

Blessings on your journey. 

email:  Lori@yourfullpotential.net                 phone:  (808) 987-3928